How Much Do I Want It?

So I'm a little conflicted today -

My body handled the burrito last night okay, I'm a little UGH today but I didn't sleep much and its been a long week, so I'm sure that has something to do with it. Weight hung out around 177lbs again so at least I'm maintaining right now even if I'm bloated and squishy.

Work is kinda dull today - which allows for some time for thought (never a good thing) and my question to myself is how bad do I want it? The only effortless weight loss I've ever had was in February when I cut out all animal products. It was easy for me - something that wasn't negotiable. Nowadays, its too easy to let myself slip and eat crappy foods. I was doing well, but its impossible to eat out and I get neurotic about counting calories. If I don't hit a solid number every day (usually between 1400-1500 calories I feel like a failure). Fluctuation days are hard for me (higher one day and lower the next) due to the level of exercise I maintain.

My runs are getting longer and I'm about to start demanding more from my body with my additional Zumba classes and demanding schedule. I can't take the risk of my stomach freaking out all the time. I have to make sure I can eat quickly and healthy without thinking twice about it and I have to be able to politely decline foods without having to provide a laundry list of reasons why I won't eat that crap. Whenever I decline food, people look at me like I'm abnormal and I have to explain that I'm "training for a race", "I don't want to feel terrible" or "just looking to lose a few pounds" which they look at me like I'm stupid because I'm a healthy size 6.

At this point, life would be easier if I could just say "I'm sorry, I'm vegan" and leave it at that. People don't question when I said I was vegan - there was just a mild curiosity that was spurred by people being intrigued by the lifestyle. Granted, these changes cannot happen overnight - the next few days are going to be yucky for food as we'll be traveling. However, as of August 4th when things are "back to normal" its tempting to just transition back into that lifestyle long term like I had intended to a few months ago.

The true definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results. I'm staying the same with my nutrition right now in the same horrid patterns I have been and things aren't improving. I'm thinking its about time that I start changing things around for the better. My brain can't handle this type of diet where its too easy to mess up and justify eating poorly - does this means that I have issues with food, probably...but I just don't like depriving myself whenever we go out to eat and its been really hard to stay consistent with eating.

I know there's a book out there about vegan nutrition for endurance athletes - I might need to investigate this. I was planning on heading to Borders today and see if I can get some books for cheap (since they're going out of business). Maybe I can find it for a good price. I'm really starting to think that for the sake of my digestive system, going vegan/vegetarian might be the best thing for me. OY - this will be tricky to explain to the hubby. He has a harder time when I'm vegan than I do

So onto my title - how badly do I want to hit my goals? How badly do I want to feel better? I know that I want it, but I keep eating poorly and destroying myself and all my efforts (well not ALL my efforts, but you know what I mean). Do I want to reach my goals and take care of myself enough to justify a mostly vegan lifestyle for potentially the rest of my life? After what I've experienced in the last 2 days - my answer is an overwhelming yes - but I know that my brain is impulsive and might not be as agreeable in a few hours

:-/