Thursday, July 7, 2011

Waiting blows...

I have no clue what's wrong with me today - but I am just super cranky & can't get out of my funk. I've got an "eff it all" attitude and nutrition hasn't been the best the past 2 days - but I'm staying within my calorie counts & weight is right around 176lbs still, so I can't really complain. Sodium has been higher than I wanted so I'm feeling squishy - but otherwise I'm right where I want to be.

I've been feeling restless & antsy for about 2 days now and its making me super cranky and my "BS" tolerance level is non-existent (no bueno for the day job). I can't really describe it -but its almost like I'm yearning for something MORE to do. Like I want some solid concrete proof that I'm heading in the right direction. I am halfway tempted to enter myself into a damn 5K race just so that I can run full out with no concerns (part of me thinks this will help). I've been keeping myself entertained at work with reading & researching Ironman triathalons recently (and actually contemplating that I *might* be able to do one! OY!)

I know that I'm training for a 10K right now, but I'm in Week 4 and starting to feel restless again. I know I have ADD - this is already a common known fact (and totally obvious to anyone who reads this blog regularly). I know I'm not supposed to run more than 3 days a week - but I WANT to run more than that! I know that I have Zumba tonight - but I just WANT to run and run and run and not stop today. I don't want to exhaust myself and I don't want to risk injuring myself. BUT - I *LIKE* exhausting myself!! I *LIKE* knowing that I've pushed myself super hard every day - there's something satisfying knowing that you are living 100% to your full potential, and right now I'm just not getting it....ugh....

So what do I do - I teach Zumba classes 4 days a week, which is awesome - but doesn't fully exhaust me, yet I don't want to start running all the time and risk not having the energy to teach classes. I work a 40 hour/week day job. I already have no social life. Any free time I have is at home resting or cleaning. I know I have to get my weight down if I want to be successful at endurance running - but that takes time too. That won't happen overnight and I think I'm moving in the right direction. I think its more than just pushing myself.

I think its restlessness that directly results from impatience. I hate waiting - I always have. Patience has never been one of those virtues I possess. And right now, life is nothing BUT waiting. I am waiting to pay off bills & get out of debt - but I only get paid every 2 weeks, so this can only be rushed so much. I am waiting to run again because its the safest thing for my body - even though some stupid part of me will probably go for a run today or tomorrow just to shut my brain up. I am waiting to grow my hair out - so then I can reach my goals and then start dying it again (I miss my red hair!) I am waiting for my weight to drop off (and stay that way this time!) I am waiting for the damn FedEx man to show up with my new cute Zumba clothes. I'm waiting for Zumbatomic to start in September for the public schools - but I'm terrified about making it work with the current schedule I have (I'll feel better once this is finalized I think!)

I love being able to change things and I am a total instant gratification kind of person - being able to prove just how much I can impact in my when things stop moving I go NUTS! PLUS - my birthday is coming up, and I know its going to be fun...but every time the spotlight is on me I tend to get really nervous. I need to find an outlet for this - I'm thinking Zumba will be this outlet - since I have to be in the spotlight as the instructor anyways.

UGH - enough rambling...need to shut brain off....still have 1 hour of work...OY its one of those days!! GROWL! HEY - it could be worse though...I could be a lazy lard butt who just sits around doing nothing! At least I'm getting antsy because I want to be MORE active!! haha!

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