Monday, April 11, 2011

I'm being selfish & I don't feel (too) bad about it

UGH - so I overindulged this weekend and now I'm paying the price. Everything from my neck down feels awful, heavy, squishy and tired. I didn't sleep well last night and I had to force myself to eat breakfast (even though I wasn't really hungry). My weight is around mid-170s again, but I just feel so awful that number on the scale really doesn't matter right now

Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why is it so hard for me to stay on track? Why do I allow myself to eat foods that I know will make me feel awful??? Why is the only time I've had successful weight loss while eating a good amount of calories was when I went vegan??? Needless to say, the past 4 weeks of "reintegration" of food has been really hard for me - I can't seem to do a good job of consistently staying within my calorie counts. I'm hungry all the time, rarely stay within my sodium counts, am always over my fat counts. I'm cranky and I don't like it.

This morning - after yet another weekend of crappy food choices, I think I've hit my proverbial "nutritional rock bottom". I feel horrendous - zero energy, slept terribly, tummy issues galore - I feel like I weigh 400lbs, my joints hurt (which is weather related, but still not welcome), my sinuses are yucky (allergies) and I'm bloated - not a good combo.

I'm having a really hard time with nutrition right now and as of this morning, I wasn't sure what to do, but now I have some direction. After my 4 week vegan adventure, "normal nutrition" is SO hard for me - going vegan was easy for me - it was effortless weight loss, was never hungry, ate good whole foods, always felt energetic and rested (regardless of how little sleep I got). I only missed cheese, ice cream & the occasional splurge out.

I know that going vegan was really hard on my hubby - he is 100% carnivore and it was hard for us to go out to eat when I was vegan, but I can't stop denying how much better I felt when I was eating dairy/meat free. I've been IM-ing him all morning and I finally told him about how I'm feeling. I'm tired of feeling terrible, I'm tired of feeling yucky and I feel awful for feeling so selfish that I want to feel better about my eating, when I know how hard it was for him.

Being the amazing hubby that he is he told me that he'd rather have me selfishly energetic, happy and healthy (aka vegan) than lethargic, self consious and cow-like (aka carnivore). He told me that I'd better start being selfish when it comes to my health and that I don't need to worry about him - all of which almost made me start crying (because he's so amazing) - but I have to refrain, my coworkers might start to stare....

So after all this drama, I've decided to reach a temporary compromise to see how this works for me. I am going to be a "Weekender" and see how that goes. Monday through Friday - 100% Vegan - I need the energy, sleep and feelings of awesome when I work as much as I do (and hopefully the weight loss that comes with it). Then on the weekends, when I can go out on date nights with the hubby, I'll let myself have the occasional Omnivore meal and see how it goes from there.

I think this will do well for me - because then if I crave cheese or ice cream, I can have it on the weekends - but the occasional meal shouldn't destroy me as much as the regular Omni eating is doing for me. Granted - these rules aren't set in stone. Basically its 5 days vegan, 2 days Omni - and special occasions are going to be Omni regardless of the day of the week (anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, etc).

So starting NOW - I am vegan again until the weekend. I'm downing lots of fluids (right now unsweetened Iced Tea) and going to take it easy on food. I did an easy 10 mins on the elliptical earlier today (not really any decent cal burn, but it got me moving) and I am starting to feel better. For the first time in my life, I'm being nutritionally selfish in a healthy way. This is uncharted territory for me and I'm scared, but at least I know that whatever happens my hubby will be there for me!

I know this was a HUGE blog - lots of Monday morning ranting, so I'll catch up on the Self Discovery blogs in a few mins. I just wanted to get this posted and out to the world - somehow that seems to make it more official :-D

1 comment:

  1. I'm enjoying reading through your blog. I recently did a (not 100% perfect, but pretty good) elimination diet experiment, and I am now in the process of transitioning back to veganism. (I was a vegan for about a decade, about a decade ago.) None of this is focused on weight loss for me (which is not to say I wouldn't like to lose some weight), but rather the aim is to deal with chronic allergy/sinus problems. I think I have made too little, over the years, of the fact that my allergies didn't really take a massive turn for the worse until I had switched to a (not particularly healthy) omnivorous diet. It didn't really get bad until about a year and a half after; but I think it started to get a little worse almost immediately. My records aren't thorough enough to be really confident about things. But given that my allergy and sinus problems were much less extreme while I was a vegan, and given the fact that studies have shown vegan diets can help handle other types of inflammatory disease, it seems worth a try. If it doesn't work, I may just go back to being a reckless omnivore. If it does work, I may still try transitioning to some sort of plant-based ovo-pescetarianism, or maybe arrive back at being an omnivore, but a more health-conscious one. So like you, I am experimenting. Frankly, if I can regain my health and get active again, I won't be spending that much time missing food I can't eat anyway. So I could very well remain vegan.

    But I can relate to the weight loss. I have had weight issues most of my life, except for the years when I was a vegan. I got up to 180lb at one point while I was in high school, yet when I was a vegan in my 30s I got down to under 140lb at the point I was most physically active. Effortless weight-loss, indeed. I could binge pretty often as a vegan (not that that's necessarily a good thing) and still get away with it.

    And guess what? I ate at Thai Vegan yesterday and my sinuses have been better than average for the last twelve hours. I swear that place is some sort of covert center for healing. It's not just the chile or general spiciness, I'm sure, since I have had plenty of hot spicy food that only makes my sinuses feel better while I'm eating it. I think their food is loaded with healing herbs of some sort. Or maybe they materialize that food in the kitchen through chanting.