well...crap....

Okay - so yesterday I had an "EEK/Ah-ha-you're a moron" moment that I need to share with all of you! First of all - I'm gonna establish a few background tidbits just so you all are aware of the situation. Last October, I stopped tracking my food. It was driving me neurotic...I KNOW how to eat well & set appropriate portion sizes so I decided to take the opportunity to trust myself a little more, and its been nice not having to count EVERYTHING that goes into my mouth and trust my natural hunger cues a little more. Now for the past few months, I've been trying to drop some extra pudge - just so I'm a little more comfortable in my own skin, and I don't have as much weight to push forward when I am running.

Now that you know all that - I can get on to my "ahh...crap" moment. Since I've been trying to drop my extra squish I've been noticing a pattern. I'll do well for about 3 days. Then I'll start feeling like junk, get a "f*ck it all" attitude and go eat whatever the hell I wanted - which would put me off track, cause me to gain some water weight, freak out, get back on proper nutrition until the same process happened again 3-4 days later. In all, I've been losing & gaining the same 7 pounds since New Years...some days are better than others....

This has really been bugging the hell out of me. I literally can't go a week straight with proper nutrition!! What the hell is wrong with me??? I work in the fitness industry....I should have the discipline & self control to eat well for a week straight?!?!? Right?!?!?! I have enough discipline to do 8 fitness classes a week PLUS all my personal workouts to help me reach my goals - but every few days I just can't seem to avoid that magical box of Thin Mints in my freezer...

So yesterday I did something I haven't done since October. I tracked my food...all of it....I kept my naturally almost-completely-vegetarian/vegan diet in check ALL through the work day and before my Zumba class. Now - I eat a LOT of food (yesterday consisted of 2 bananas, 2 alternative bagels with almond butter, 2 cups of purple grapes, 2 servings of oatmeal with dried cranberries, 2 grilled cheese sammiches with some egg whites for protein) - there's a TON of volume there and some days I feel like I'm eating ALL the time...so I'm rarely hungry - thus assuming I'm eating enough to justify my activity levels. You know what it was...1,441 calories....that's it

Yesterday was a Wednesday - one of the busiest days of the week for me. According to my BodyBugg, I burned 2,776 calories, went 8,176 steps and had 1 hour 37 minutes of activity (my kids are on Spring Break right now - so this burn/activity amount is actually LOWER than my usual Wednesday burns)

So let's do some math here:

2,776 Calories burned MINUS 1,441 Calories eaten = A 1,335 CALORIE DEFICIT?!?!?!? IN ONE DAY?!?!?! HOLY CRAP!!!

So - if I take into account, I've been eating mostly the same things since January and really only lost about 7 pounds in total since I started (mostly water weight anyways) let's look at this again

Every 3-4 days I potentially have created a 4,000-5,340 calorie deficit with my basic activity levels. Logic says "INSERT METABOLIC FREAK OUT HERE" and my body suddenly NEEDS calories to maintain my levels, otherwise I'll crash. Well no sh*t - no wonder I can't stick with anything for more than a few days. Its not a discipline thing, its not a lack of self control...its a "Hillary is STARVING" thing and suddently my body craves crappy foods because it knows that's the fastest way to get calories back up. And in all honesty - when I did eat crappy, I never ate enough to completly destroy my deficits, which is why I saw around a 7 pound loss but still struggled with water weight

NOW it makes more sense (and I'm kicking myself for not doing this sooner) so now, I will look at myself in the mirror....take my palm....and smack against forehead while saying "feed yourself more dammit!"

So - now I have a confession. After my Zumba class, when I realized how bad my deficit was, I got myself a burger & fries for dinner...and it was damn good. And honestly, I probably ended up right at maintenance calories - or a little bit over, but I really don't care. I've got water weight today...eh...it will fall off....at least I ate what I needed to

Alrighty - so what does this all mean. This means I need to start tracking my calories again so I don't starve myself. But I need to do this with a "health" reason in mind and not let myself get neurotic about it again (easier said than done, but I'll do my best) I can eat 2,000 calories a day and STILL be at a 600-700 calorie deficit each day - unless I'm a total lazy ass and don't do anything then my maintenance is between 1800-2000 cals a day

This also means I need to find healthier ways to get my calories up without eating junk. Due to digestive issues, I've gotta take it easy on high fat foods so I've gotta take it easy on the dairy, nuts, nut butters, etc & I naturally really don't eat a lot of meat - so after work, I'll be venturing to get myself some Lara Bars & easy non-dairy mix-n-go smoothies to help get my calories a little higher...then as long as there's nice weather, I shall go running! YAY!

With my activity levels & amounts of cardio I do, I'm technically in the range of an "endurance athlete" with my burns - so I'm going to pick up my copy of Racing Weight and learn how to eat more without causing havoc to my insides. The theory in this book is to eat around maintenance and use my workouts to create the deficit - instead of eating at a deficit and potentially causing workouts & the body to suffer. I think there's some good logic there, and its about time I implement it.

Anyways - so there's my genius moment...I was trying to trust myself more, gain the discipline to eat without tracking, "ruining" it every few days & freaking out. Now I will be doing the same, only tracking it and hopefully not going to ruin it again (NOTE: the girl scout cookies are ALMOST gone from the house! There's only 1 box of Samoas left - and they belong to the hubby so hopefully they'll be gone soon)